Girlfriend
by redwalgrl-RG
Summary: YAOI Contest fic between me and LimeshellsAreLazy. Archer doesn't like Roy's girlfriend. Songfic


_Girlfriend_

**For a contest between LimeshellsAreLazy and me, redwalgrlRG. Please read both fics (and review them, darn you!) leaving your vote in one of them. But you know I'll win. XD**

And before you ask, no. I don't know what's wrong with me. XD

_Rating: M for the f-word and for yaoi smut_

_Genre(s): Humor/Parody (AKA Songfic)_

_Original Characters: None_

_Out of Characterness: ...Need I say it?_

_Pairings: Royai, RoyArch_

_Spoilers: ...If there are, I'll shoot myself._

_Summary: Songfic to Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend. Archer is quite jealousy-prone when it comes to his little possession Roy..._

Yeah. I know. I'm a psycho. But I'm also an Archer fangirl, so deal with it!

-+-

**Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I don't like your girlfriend!  
**It was only natrual to get jealous when a love moves on from you. It wasn't so natrual for Frank Archer to get jealous of Riza Hawkeye. Why? Simply put, she'd stolen Roy Mustang from him. Obviously. Because Roy was _his_.

"By the way, sir. I don't like your girlfriend." Archer stated calmly as Roy handed over the paperwork he was supposed to file. That earned him a weird look before Roy quickly scampered off. Hmph.

**No way! No way!  
I think you need a new one**

Oh yes. Roy Mustang needed to get rid of Riza Hawkeye. That woman was so clingy! And she was just about drooling on his property! No way. Roy needed to get rid of her. If he was going to date in front of Archer like this, it had least had to be a woman who was _competition_! Because, really, Riza couldn't stand a chance against him.

**  
Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I could be your girlfriend**

So during one of their breaks, Archer managed to get Roy alone, much to the other's discomfort. Apparently. But it was obvious that he wasn't all that uncomfortable. Because he was around _Archer_ and obviously no one could hate him.

"You know... I could be your girlfriend."****

Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I know that you like me

Which earned him another weird stare. Roy opened and closed his mouth several times before fleeing the room, apparently not wanting to finish his food. Eh, whatever. Archer would feed it to that crazed alchemist. Speaking of which, where was he? Eh, whatever. Back to the more important subject of Roy...

"It's all too obvious that he likes me." Archer murmured to himself as he returned to his desk, grinning over at Roy seductively.

**  
No way! No way!  
You know it's not a secret**

Roy turned bright red and quickly fled to his office. Oh he was making it so obvious! It was so clear just how much he loved Archer. And not that bitch, Riza. Hah. _I'm always right._ Archer thought, pleased. Because it really wasn't a secret; Roy did like Archer. Kimbley, the crazed alchemist he had spoke of earlier, knew all about that. And he was very good at reading people. It was all too obvious, he'd said, that Roy was in love with Archer and just denying his feelings.

**  
Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I want to be your girlfriend**

Yes indeed, time to get rid of Riza. Roy needed someone better. Someone who was perfect for him. Someone like...

Well, Archer.****

You're so fine  
I want you mine  
You're so delicious

Oh yes. Frank Archer was willing to shove aside that enormous ego of his for Roy. Why? Because Roy Mustang was hot. Incredibly. And what Archer wouldn't give to feel him moving inside him...

Ooh, the thought was almost too much. And there were other improper thoughts to follow it. Frank Archer, being perverted? Well, everyone has their secret sides.

His were just a little more... pervertedly egotistical.

**  
I think about ya all the time  
You're so addictive**

It was hard to get anything accomplished, his mind was always on Roy. The way he moved, the way he'd stand there talking to that _bitch_ giving Archer a great view of his ass...

And he still pretended not to like Archer? Hah.

**  
Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright?**

It was later that day that Archer got Roy alone, again. Really, for someone trying to avoid him (or so Roy claimed) he was doing a horrid job. _Obviously_ Roy liked him. It was just so plainly obvious! How funny.

"Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright?"

**  
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious**

"Wh-what do you mean?!" Roy asked, fearfully, scooting back in his chair.

Ooh, he looked absolutely adorable like that. Fearful and insecure. Mmm. "You know what I'm capeable of. I'm too damn precious for you to push aside."

**  
And Hell Yeah  
I'm the motherfucking princess**

Roy spluttered something along the lines of _"You actually did that to Kimbley?!"_

"Hell yeah." Archer grinned, walking around the desk that was seperating them and crouched down at Roy's knees, easily spreading the other's legs and eyeing the bluge between his legs. "You're hard already?"

"Y-you... bitch!"

"That's _motherfucking princess_ to you."

**  
I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right  
**Roy stared blankly. Did Frank Archer just call himself a_ princess_?!

"I can tell you like me too. And you know I'm fucking right."

From the look on Roy's face, Archer knew he was. Then again, when was he ever wrong? "I-I don't know what the hell you're talking about." Roy stated, trying to regain his composure. Which was rather hard, considering that Archer was kneeling practically between his legs and staring unabashed at his crotch.****

She's like so whatever  
And you could do so much better  
I think we should get together now  
And that's what everyone's talking about!  
"I think we should get together. Now. And that's what _everyone's_ talking about." Of course, Archer had Kimbley run around and spread rumors, but the end justifies the means, right? Right.

Roy tried to find something to say, but ended up with his mouth hanging open in stuptified silence. Oh yes, what was he supposed to say?

"Your girlfriend's a whore anyway." Archer snorted, reaching up to undo the button on Roy's waistband. "She was sleeping around with Havoc."

"Sh-she's not..." Roy couldn't continue, for he felt Archer's slender hands reach down into the hollow of his boxers and stroke his sensitive skin.

The Lieutenant Colonel just grinned as Roy let out a moan.****

Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I don't like your girlfriend!  
"You know, I don't like her. Not at all." Archer murmured, continuing to slowly stroke Roy, watching the other shift uncomfortably. Like he was trying to _deny_ this pleasure. Hah, that was funny. As if he'd be able to? "I bet you don't like her all that much either, do you?"

**No way! No way!  
I think you need a new one  
**"I-I don't... aaaah... know wh-what you're talking a-aah-bout." Roy managed to make out amid rather futile attempts at stiffling moans of pleasure.

"No, no, no, Roy. Not the right answer." Archer drew back, folding his arms impassively as Roy stared at him in surprise and anger.

"F-finish what you started!" He complained, not wanting to have to masturbate to get rid of his half-hard erection.

Archer didn't answer directly, just stated, "I think you need a new one."

**Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I could be your girlfriend  
**"New one of what?" Roy asked, exasperated. This man just wouldn't answer him straight, would he? Straight. Hah.

"Girlfriend. Like I said before..." Archer shrugged and stated easily, "I could be your girlfriend."

**  
Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I know that you like me  
**"..." Roy blinked, trying to figure out just what the hell Archer meant. "You're not a woman."

"I know that you like me. Why deny it?" Archer stated, ignoring Roy completely. "It's quite obvious, really. Kimbley and I were talking about it..."

"That mad man?!"

"Who happens to be the one who found out for me that you like me."

**No way! No way!  
You know it's not a secret  
**"What? When did this...? I never...!" Roy started protesting, but was cut off as Archer shoved down the Colonel's pants and boxers. "Finally!"

"Only if you admit it..." Archer grinned widely before teasingly stroking Roy.

The Colonel attempted to buck into Archer's hand, only to be caught by the other's free pale hand. "Rrrgh... F-fine! Fu-fucking fine! I-it's not a f-fucking secret!! I f-fucking li-like you!"

**Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I want to be your girlfriend  
**"So you admit it. Now tell me... Do you want me to be your girlfriend?" Archer continued teasing Roy, smirking all the while.

"Augh...! Fuck! Yes!" Roy whined, once again held back by that pale hand. He needed to fucking cum already! How the hell could Archer do this to him?!

**  
I can see the way, I see the way you look at me  
And even when you look away I know you think of me  
I know you talk about me all the time again and again  
**Archer continued, apparently not satisfied with Roy yet. "I can see the way you look at me. And even when you look away... I know you think of me. I know you talk about me all the time..." He purred, leaning up now to easily undo the military-issued jacket and unbutton several of Roy's buttons, teasing the skin around Roy's exposed collarbone with lips and teeth.

"Rrghh..." Roy needed to fucking cum and the _motherfucking princess_ wouldn't let him!!

**So come over here, tell me what I want to hear  
Better yet make your girlfriend disappear  
I don't want to hear you say her name ever again  
(And again and again and again!)  
**"Tell me what I want to hear."

"Y-you can be my f-fu-fucking girl-girlfriend." Roy gasped out, gladly feeling Archer's pumping rhythm pick up ever so slightly.

"Good, good. Oh, better yet... make your girlfriend... _disappear_." He grinned into Roy's collarbone, adding, "I don't ever want to hear you say her name ever again."****

Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I know that you like me  
Well there wasn't exactly any arguing with him. Though how was Roy going to call for his subordinate? Ugh. whatever. Apparently he'd have to deal with his new _girlfriend_ if he wanted his damn release. Manipulative bitch.

"I know that you like me. Now admit it!"

**No way! No way!  
You know it's not a secret  
**"You know it's not a secret..."

Was he just repeating the same things over and over again or was Roy going mad?

**Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I want to be your girlfriend  
**"I _want_ to be your girlfriend."

"Y-you already f-fucking are!"

"That's what I needed to hear." Archer grinned and pulled back, dropping to his knees in front of Roy, much to the delight of the other man.

**  
In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger  
Cause I can, cause I can do it better  
There's no other  
So when's it gonna sink in?  
She's so stupid  
What the hell were you thinking?!**

"What the hell were you thinking? Dating her? There's _no one_ better than me." Archer smirked, gripping a hand to Roy's waist and leaning forward, taking the head of Roy's weeping erection into his mouth.

The only response he got was a loud moan of pleasure.

**Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I know that you like me**

**No way! No way!  
You know it's not a secret**

**Hey! Hey! You! You!  
I want to be your girlfriend**

Archer suddenly drew back, a small frown crossing his face. "You'll get rid of her?"

"Y-yes! You're my girlfriend!"

"Good." A smirk replaced the frown and Archer then went back to pleasuring Roy.

**No way! No way!**

**Hey! Hey!**

-+-

When you figure out what's wrong with me, please tell me. DX Anyway, please review. I may write more crazy-ass songfics if you like this. And again, since you all love me so much, vote for me over Limey! HAHAHAH! I kid, I kid, Limey! Don't hurt me!


End file.
